The Official Coronavirus Guidelines

1.  Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, you can.

2.  Masks are useless.  But they will protect you.  They can save you, no they can’t, they’re useless but wear one anyway.  Now they’re mandatory.  But maybe.  Or not.

3.  Stores are closed, except for the ones that are open.

4.  You should not go to the hospital unless you have to go there.  Stay out of the ER at all costs unless you’re having a medical emergency, then it’s okay.

5.  This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.  Stay calm.

6.  Gloves won’t help, but they can still help, especially if you wear the same pair for hours and everywhere you go.  Then you can not spread germs, nope.  #science.

7.  Everyone needs to stay home, but it’s important to go out because of the sun.  Sunlight will kill the virus but not if the virus kills you first by walking in the sunlight where you may be exposed to the virus.

8.  There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning.  Sometimes.

9.  The virus has no effect on children except those it has affected or will affect.

10.  Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested yet, and a tiger, and one really deadly but also possibly fictional but very sick bat.

11.  You will have many symptoms when you are sick but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.

12.  In order not to get sick you have to eat well and exercise.  But also never go out to the grocery store so eat shelf-stable, processed crap and stay inside your four walls, but also, stay healthy.

13.  It’s better to get some fresh air, but you may be arrested if you’re getting fresh air in the wrong way, and, most importantly, don’t go to a park because the fresh air there is deadly.

14.  Under no circumstances should you go to retirement homes, but if you have to take care of the elderly and bring them food and medication, then, fine.  Just wear gloves, the same ones all day.

15.  If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy to get your medications.  Just don’t make eye contact because you may spread your sickness that way.

16.  You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves.  But you have to leave your groceries outside for 3 hours to be decontaminated by the fresh air that also may have virus particles floating around in it.

17.  Taxi drivers are apparently immune to the virus since you can still take a taxi ride with a random taxi driver.  Just don’t take the taxi to your mom’s house because, you know, stay away from your mom.

18.  You can walk around with a friend if you stay six feet apart but don’t visit with your family if they don’t live under the same roof as you.  Even if you’ve all been locked inside for two months you may still have the virus and not know it yet.  You’ll find out.  Wait another week.  Wasn’t that this week?  It might be the next one.  Keep waiting.

19.  You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.  Social distancing means you shouldn’t leave your house and don’t be social, except you may go to the liquor store but don’t socialize there while you’re being socially distant.

20.  The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days?  But it needs a damp environment–oh, no, not necessarily.

21.  The virus stays in the air—well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed.  But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however, in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

22.  We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as, so far, we have only tested those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of…..

23.  The virus will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity but stay inside until the virus disappears.